Un Amor Unilateral

Loving someone that doesn’t love you is like reaching for a star, you know you’ll never reach it, but you just gotta keep trying

– Unknown

It happens to all of us at one time or the other: we fall in love with someone who does not love us back the same way as we love them. Unreturned love. Unreciprocated love.            Un amor unilateral as the Spanish call it.

A fine day you are innocently living your own life. The next day, you start to notice this charming new person in your social circle. At first it is just this admiring attraction you feel, that you are barely aware of yourself. Then, there comes a moment when you realize that you are hopelessly in love with them, and have been so for the past few weeks.

I remember here a beautiful line written by John Green in one of his famous novels: “As he read, I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly, and then all at once.” One-sided love is like that… it has the nasty habit of creeping up on you unexpectedly and suddenly.

Regardless of how it starts, one-sided love is one of the most painful experiences to go through. The pain is especially great when it is first love. One of the cruel realities of human life is that for most people, first love is indeed one-sided love.

Love happens. It is extremely hard to consciously choose with whom, when and how you fall in love. So, it is almost impossible to avoid one-sided love. Falling in that trap is in itself very bad and very sad. But it is what you do after the fall that’s important. Unfortunately, it is FAR TOO EASY to do things which actually causes the pain to be far greater than it needs to be. Life is like that my friend.

The Fall:

You fall in love. You share this fact with your beloved, with much anxiety and fear, hoping upon hope that they feel the same way towards you. But alas, you learn that they do not “like you that way” or “never saw you like that” or “can never have that type of feelings for you”. There is immediate dejection, your heart feels heavy as a mountain in your chest. Even worse is the fact that the day you are planning to tell your beloved about your feelings you get invited to a party with her boyfriend. Oh boy! That sucks.

It can be very tough to know when to recognize that your love will never succeed, that you should give up and move on. It is especially tough to realize the futility of it all when you are young. And even if you realize that it is a failed venture, it can be tough to give up and let go without trying your best, without putting some desperate effort into it, without fighting for that ultimate love you so keenly believe in.

Unfortunately, there is no right answer to the question: When to give up. Just as we cannot predict when the heart will fall in love, we cannot predict when the heart will be ready to give up and move on. Worse, we cannot predict the heart of the other person – who knows, it might turn around and fall for us, if only we remain true to our love for a few more months.

You can’t use logic to convince anybody to love you. You cannot charm them into loving you, against their wishes. You cannot force or make anybody love you, if they don’t already feel the love for you. Moreover, convincing somebody to love you with your charm, beauty or money is not the best way to get love. Love cannot be bought like that. THE BEST AND MOST ENDURING LOVE IS THE ONE WHICH RISES IN THE HEART ON ITS OWN, INSPIRED MERELY BY THE BEING OF THE OTHER PERSON. Without needing extra efforts or convincing from anybody. Such love will flow effortlessly and naturally, of its own accord.

Growing things need lots of room to grow freely and playfully. You can’t convince a wild tiger or wolf to come out and play with you by trying too hard and chasing it all over the jungle. The most you can do is regulate your own behavior and hope for it to come to you on its own.

Walking away:

There was a very interesting conversation between Fitz and Simmons in my favorite TV show; Marvel’s Agents of SHIELD. It’s something like this:

I have been thinking about……about us

And it clicked. Crux of our relationship is like Singularity in Transhumanism.

Singularity is the defining moment.

The point at which a measurable variable becomes infinite.


As soon as we deviate from that path, change becomes exponential till the point of NO RETURN


It can be very painful to regularly interact, even as just friends or colleagues, with a person who doesn’t reciprocate your ardent love. You are constantly reminded of what you love, desire and want, but can’t have. It’s a torture for the body, heart and soul. It makes moving on and healing very tough. It comes in the way of getting a proper perspective on things. Don’t let yourself go through that torture. End the interactions.

So now the only option that you have is to walk away and believe me it’s easier said than done.

Some people fear that by keeping away from the person they love, they may be killing what little chance they may have with them. The opposite is true. When you are away, it gives the other person a chance to realize what they are missing by not having you around. If they realize that and truly want you, they will come seeking you on their own. If they don’t realize anything of the sort, it means they didn’t notice you or value you all that much to begin with. So, you are better off being away from them.

Find a friend to share what you feel. The longer you try to keep your emotions to yourself, longer will be the torture. It’s not the end of world even though this is exactly what I am feeling while typing this line. Head out to the gym and burn those extra kilos, eat at the place where you have always fancied about eating, watch those episodes of GOT that you have missed and sleep well.


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